Periodically we’ll ask a wise and worldly woman to give us her thoughts on the whole male-female relationship thing. Sometimes we get short and sweet. With Chani we got long and insightful, which is an apt description of the woman herself.

I can count on one hand how many of my friends are in successful relationships, and by that I mean relationships that are actively changing and evolving, relationships that are supporting the growth and unfoldment of both parties.  However, beyond even these parameters virtually everyone I know is single.  Perhaps it’s my city, my community, my culture, but I don’t think so.

Most of the people I talk to about relationships are equally as baffled, many women in their 30’s are frustrated and perhaps a little freaked out, (tick-tock and all).  Thankfully these same women are not willing to settle for anything less than what feels like their ideal mate.  There seems to be something afoot here, some sort of movement, and some sort of shift.  I think that we are in a collective moment; I feel that the relationship paradigm that we have been in for so long has disintegrated and that we are on the leading edge of transforming our relationship to relationships.  Hallelujah!

There are many factors that we can attribute to this state of affairs, but none so influential as feminism.  There may be no other word as loaded, as misused, misconstrued and misunderstood.  I consider myself a feminist, I am more than proud to stand on the shoulders of some of the most courageous women and men that fought for my right to sit in a café and write this in the middle of a Monday afternoon.

There is no part of my life that I could separate out from the rights won by my foremothers who risked their lives, their loves and their safety.  Feminism broke down the doors, rallied in the street and carried us forward into territory unknown.  No longer do we have to set aside our own self-interests and self-explorations to get married, it’s far from expected of us, let alone the standard.  We don’t have to be straight, or gay, or bi, or queer.  We can explore any avenue that interests us; we can create our lives as we feel so inclined to do, (in most cities one can find alternative lifestyle communities that may not be available in rural areas).  We have unparalleled access to information, opportunity and freedom.  If we feel so inclined we don’t have to have a relationship at all.  That’s a lot of change in 50 years, a lot.  It’s enough to make our heads spin wondering what it all means and where it leaves us.

The primary relationship is always within.  Within and then without.  Who is it we are growing ourselves into?  Women especially spend so much time dreaming about “The Guy”, “The Relationship” “The PLAN!!!!”  We rarely consider who it is we need to become in order to attract this ideal mate.  We focus constantly on external realities; we don’t understand that our power source is within.  All we really have control over is how we will show up in any given situation.  So before we worry about whether Mr. or Mrs. Right is coming, lets spend considerable energy and effort growing ourselves into the men and women that would be a partner to such a person.

Are you living your best, most radiant, most self-expressed life now?  If not, then get to work!  Prepare, prepare, prepare.  These teachings are not new, and not my own.  I am paraphrasing the very wise and wonderful Katherine Woodward-Thomas, who wrote the best selling how-to book “Calling In The One” a groundbreaking book that focuses on building our relationship to ourselves first, taking responsibility for our experiences and making room for our beloved to effortlessly come into our lives.  I highly recommend it to all my fellow puzzled singletons out there.

So here’s my deal; I am that woman that people are shocked to hear is single (one of thousands, I might add).  I am an attractive 35 yr old woman who is doing work I absolutely love, helping people feel better.  I am actively pursuing my education by returning to school to finish my B.A. and then go onto get my Master’s.  I am lit up by life, I feel so activated and engaged in all of my pursuits.  I feel on track, on purpose and on fire!  There is a planet to save and I have signed up to be on the front lines.  I believe that my life is divine and meaningful; I know I was put here to inspire a deep connectivity to each other, the planet and ourselves.  I am committed to mid-wiving a new earth, one where we live in accord with the natural world, and one where we hold ourselves accountable and take % 100 responsibility for our lives.

I have a lot going for me.  I want a relationship, a partnership that is based on a commitment to our individual and collective growth and development.  I want my relationship to aid the planet, making it a better place to live in.  I believe that evolutionary relationships are the key to life sustaining itself on the planet.  If we are not pushing each other forward in our intimate relationships, constantly on our growth edge, that we are simply taking up space.

All this to say, I have been single for years now. Ha!  Now of course I am fraught with issues and insecurities, illusions and delusions, projections and inhibitions.  I human after all.  Still there is no logical reason as to why I am dateless most of the time.  It’s not that I don’t get asked out once in a while, it’s not that I am so picky that no one will do, it’s just that I have a very specific set of non-negotiables that must be in place in order for me to even consider dating someone.

I know for my years of dating and living with the wrong people, that it’s just not worth it to bend on these foundational structures that I need in order to live out my full potential with someone.  This life is too precious, too fleeting, and too incredible to waste on fighting through something that is not serving my highest good.  I am sure when I actually meet “The One”, it will all make crystal clear sense as to why I needed this time to develop myself, to explore other relationships, to experience myself through all sorts of opportunities and situations.

We are on new ground and growing into the most uncertain future humankind has ever seen.  The old gender roles no longer serve us, we have out grown them. We have come to a point in our his/her story where it is imperative that we integrate and develop our masculine and feminine within our individual consciousness. We must come into personal balance before the world can come into global balance, and I believe that we need each other to do so.

When we can listen to our own needs, and then give ourselves what it is we need, we will be able to attract others who do the same.  We will move out of the far to common co-dependant relationship model that Hollywood exposes us to and heralds, and move into relationships that are authentic, meaningful and truly sacred, and that will be well worth the wait.

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